B is for Broccoli. And Barf.

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Let me just start by saying that I really do hate broccoli. It’s not like when someone says, “Oh, I HATE that” when really they just have a mild aversion.

No. I completely, utterly, wholly DESPISE broccoli with all of my being. 

Steamed, shredded, buttered or smothered in cheese, nothing short of a gun to my head (or a boy to impress) could bring me to willingly stick one of those vomit-flavored miniature green trees in my mouth. My hatred was so intense when I was younger that the only way I would eat the stuff was if I dipped it in ketchup. Don’t ask.

Which is fine. I mean, everyone has things they hate right? Mine just happens to be of the vegetative nature, with broccoli reigning longest as the offender I’m most likely to feed to my dog under the table.

And now, karma has hit.

Broccoli is getting me back for my years of neglect. Suddenly, my pants don’t fit. And then my fat pants don’t fit. And then I’m wondering if I can get away with wearing the same pair of leggings more than two days in a row. Even my dog is judging me—I can feel it.

Meanwhile, broccoli is laughing his fit, vitamin-filled stem off, along with his posse of other vegetables that I only pretend to like when I’m trying to act like an adult.

What I thought were my real “friends” (pizza, ice cream, bread, and salt) are actually my frenemies. I’m in their burn book as “fatass ho”. They comfort me in my darkest times only to turn their backs and rip holes in my pants where my thighs rub together.

Those bitches.

So, for 2014, I’ve decided I’m done with frenemy foods—alcohol excluded, because it’s that one friend that you think is a hot mess but keep hanging out with (maybe in moderation) because they’re just so much fun. Out with the plastics, in with the organics. 

After much hemming and hawing, I picked up my Kindle Fire and splurged a whopping $5 on “The Paleo Diet for Beginners” by Ryan E. Taylor. See how devoted I am?

But really, I like the idea of paleo because it’s not a diet—it’s a lifestyle. I don’t want to pretend to be friends with veggies only to run back to my bitchy guilty pleasures. I want to form true, long-lasting bonds that in turn will have my too-tight wardrobe welcoming me again with open arms. And just maybe I’ll learn something about nutrition, cooking and balance along the way.

I decided to start a blog to keep myself accountable for trying at least one new recipe a week. Also, to help document what I’m sure will be a shitstorm of carb and cheese withdrawal and hatred for healthy food. I’m not giving up these things entirely, but am aiming for a 90-10 ratio of paleo to “oh no” foods.

I don’t really care if people read this or not, but am open to learning more  from and connecting with other health food bloggers, paleo-eaters and simply food lovers who happen not to love vegetables—like me.

So Broccoli, after 25 years of battle, you win. And, as they say, if you can’t beat ’em—eat ’em. 

PS – Broccoli image is definitely not mine. I found it on Google. So sue me (but really, please don’t. I’ll take it down.)

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